I Just Died In Your Arms
by TheOneRealThing
Summary: What Chris might have been thinking during the infamous scene of the night under the Christmas tree. POTW.


_A:N: By popular demand, the night under the Christmas tree scene was begged to be written in Chris's POV and I thought, what the hell?! I'm actually curious myself, so I'll take a whack at it. This is what Chris might have been thinking when he and Cathy almost committed __**gasp**__incest, a second time. I've always felt really sorry for Chris in this scene, for one, thinking he would get to touch his Cathy again and second, because he was slapped and humiliated when Cathy screamed at him to go. I felt his pain, so here it goes._

* * *

Something dragged me down Paul's stairs, into the hall and into the living room where the huge glistening Christmas tree stood proudly; I gazed up at it, almost entranced by the various mix of colours that gathered around it. It almost compared to the big one at Foxworth Hall, maybe not as big but certainly within the same size and contrasts. Again, almost as if something was dragging me, fooled by a golden haired beauty that did the same with me all those years ago, I lay underneath it. Staring up at the ceiling, letting the colours cast around me, staring into immense space. A lonely space that felt like I was drowning now. How could it have happened so fast? We had escaped that hell-hole. We were no longer waking up together, the four of us, we were no longer sharing out our limited food for the day. We no longer had to act modest together in fear of an evil Grandmother catching us out; but now, we _had_ no choice but to act modest. Especially now we were with real people, we had to fake our feelings, distance ourselves, making it obvious and I damn well hated it!

Soon, I'd be leaving for school. Fulfilling my dream. I would no longer have to just see the familiar faces. I wouldn't be tormented by _her._ I wouldn't be desired by _her._ Temptation would only be here and now, not later. Would it? Maybe I'd find somebody else. But I didn't want that! It repulsed me. Just the thought of Cathy being with someone other than myself sickened me, thinking about someone else bringing her to a high that I only wanted in my wildest dreams made me jealous. Burning rage that I never showed. Something _she_ brought out in me. To just have her near, know she was there all the time, not having to worry about who'd take my place. Almost as if she knew, I felt her presence almost seconds later. She said nothing as I saw her shape shifting toward me and then, she plonked herself down beside me. Staring up. The damn well notion to hold her right now, to make her scream my name out in ecstasy, to...

"I thought you'd forgotten." I said to her, I could tell she was startled by the way she focused her eyes on me, but I didn't dare stare back. "Remember in Foxworth Hall, the tree was so small, we couldn't lie under it like this—and look what happened. Let's never forget again. Even if our future trees are only one foot high, we'll hang it up high so we can lie underneath." The words flooded from my mouth, the tone of my voice insisting that we would be together whether anybody liked it or not. Sister or not. Blood or not. She was mine.

Finally, I turned my head to gaze at her back. _God she was so beautiful._ Her golden tresses lay around her head, almost as if she was an Angel. A fiery angel at that. Inside, I smiled, her cerulean blue eyes glistened, in time with the fairy lights on the tree. Her complexion radiant and glowing, no longer so pale and so unsatisfied; she was glowing. And I knew that. She had been given everything she was deprived of for three years, but that faraway look in her eyes everytime she was alone, I knew, just knew she was missing something. _Me._

"You look so divine." The way she said it made me shiver. "I see candy in your eyes and the crown jewels of England too."

_For you my love, my Cathy._

"No, that's what I'm seeing in your eyes Cathy. You're so very beautiful in that white nightgown. I love you in white nightgowns with blue satin ribbons. I love how your hair spreads like a fan and you turn your cheek so it rests on a satin pillow." Nothing else mattered than right now. I moved closer to her so that my head lay on her hair, I could see the way she stiffened a little, the way her beautiful eyes widened with absolute trust and approval as I aligned our heads together. I could feel the soft pitter patter of her warm breath that tickled my cheek. Her neck craned up voluntary as my lips met her hollow throat. Planting a sweet and soulful kiss there, allowing my lips to linger there. Just tasting her. Feeling her skin against mine._God, this felt so good._ I felt the way she pulled herself back, waiting for me to back away, but I didn't want to. Didn't try. I could feel the way her pulse quickened against my mouth, I knew what I was doing pleased her and excited her. Why should I stop?

"Don't kiss me again." I heard her say but her arms tightened around me, pulling me in closer. _Dear sweet Cathy, you confuse me. You are so confusing. Why?_

But I knew why. I felt it too. She knew if she went this far with me again, we'd be linked in forbidden ways, ways we couldn't talk about, we knew how wrong this was, that if we crossed this path, nothing would be the same. "I love you." I choked. "There will never be anyone for me but you. When I'm an old, old man, I'll look back to this night with you under the Christmas tree and remember how sweet it was of you you to let me hold you like this."

And I knew Cathy would move on, I knew it as much as I hated to admit it.

"Chris, do you have to go away and be a doctor? Couldn't you stay on here and decide on something else?" She knew my weakness. She knew my heart belonged to saving people. Even if it wasn't entirely devoted to saving her own. My only dream, my own escape to this cruel world, my passion, my life—being a doctor meant so much to me. More than I could ever explain. It was in my blood, something I had to do and succeed at, my life would be a waste otherwise.

Lifting my head to stare down at her eyes, I told her this. "Cathy do you have to ask? All my life it's been the only thing I've wanted but you..." Cathy. Cathy was separate. There was Doctoring, then there was being a husband. A lover. A father. Worshipping Cathy, something I also wanted very very much. I couldn't put it into words as we kissed, I was kissing her. My mind was racing. For I knew if I left her, I'd regret it, be forced to see her with someone else and have my heart break, but to stay, I could _have_ her like this all the time, claim her as my own. _Be_ with her every step of the way—and some part of me hated that need. In between our deep passionate lustful kisses, I spoke my mind, of how beautiful she was, of how much she resembled an angel. And she liked it. She was letting out sweet lovely moans as I touched her. _Only I could make you this way, Cathy. Let me show you._

"Cathy look at me! Don't turn your head away and pretend to not know what I'm doing, what I'm saying! Look and see the the torment you've put me in! How can I find anyone else, when you've been bred into my bones and are apart of my flesh? Your blood runs fast when mine does! Your eyes burn when mine do—don't deny it!" Just like that cold night up in the attic, my nervous hands began unbuttoning her nightgown, with each button, I felt her body press into mine. Almost half expecting it, her bare breasts were exposed to me. They were larger than last time, more pronounced and ripe. The very sight thrilled me. Was I wicked for thinking this way?

"How beautiful your breasts are." I sighed, leaning to nuzzle them. "I remember when you were flat and then when you began to grow. You were so shy about them, always wanting to wear loose sweaters so I couldn't see. Why were you so ashamed?" Perhaps I knew the answer to that, but I was her husband, she'd never have to be shy in front of me. Her body was as familiar as mine. With a soft growl, I leaned down to tenderly kiss her swollen breasts and from the way she trembled, I knew she liked it. Her arms immediately wrapped around me as I suckled and nibbled at her nipples that now shaped like rosebuds and I could've almost died in her arms, she was reacting; her hands unbuttoned my own pyjama jacket, my breast now against her breasts, my arousal was happening. I could feel myself growing awake as our bodies moulded together. Our lips meeting and drawing apart as our hands explored and discovered. Her body as familiar and comforting as my own.

"No it would be sinful!" She suddenly cried out.

Not wanting rid of this moment, "Then let us sin!"

"Then don't ever leave me! Forget about being a doctor! Stay with me! Don't go on and leave me! I'm afraid of myself without you! Sometimes I do crazy things. Chris, please don't leave me alone. I've never been alone, please stay!" She needed me as much as I needed her, she was scarred. Permanently scarred from the attic. Used to it being just the two of us, always by her side, protecting her—but we weren't there anymore!

"I have to be a doctor!" I miserably groaned. "Ask me to give up anything else and I'd say yes. But don't ask me to give up the only thing that's held me together. You wouldn't give up dancing would you?" She couldn't answer during our lip lock. My lips were on fire as I was seeking something more, something we both knew very much about. Our tongues met and danced, our heated bodies trembling and soaked with enriched pain and pleasure._This was so, so, so wrong but I didn't want to stop! I'd never stop! She was who I loved!_

"I love you so much sometimes, I don't know how to handle it!" I cried. "If only I could have you just once, and there would be no pain for you, only joy."

"I love you, oh how I love you! I dream of you, think about you all day..." all the thoughts I had buried in my mind came jumbling out as I caressed her breasts, our tongues meeting and tangling together. Her legs came around my waist, pulling me into her as something hard and raging pressed into her stomach. Our moans were muffled as our eyes glazed with glorious passion, our hands coming together, squeezing, clinging onto each other for dear life! We were older. Much older. I gathered her in my arms quickly as I raced straight to her room, ignoring any fear or paranoia of someone hearing us. All I knew was Cathy. We wrestled as she tried to push me away. Torn between letting go and continuing. We both knew they were both strong! But I wanted one more than the other. Our bodies rocked together as I savagely feasted on her breasts, taking both of them in my mouth, smacking my lips together as she moaned underneath me, my kisses trailing down to her stomach, my tongue searing hot as I wanted to go even further...

But we knocked into something big. I stopped abruptly, staring down at the box that revealed some treats, bread, several cans of this and that—along with silverware! Looking at Cathy incredulously, I gaped. "Cathy! Why are you stealing Paul's food and hiding it under the bed?" I knew the answer to that. She severely was damaged, she hadn't gotten over it. And I had taken advantadge, and not in a bad way, perhaps I was damaged too. So used to having her with me all the time, needing her, claiming her. Right now, if we were still stuck up there we would've made love a million times, so much we'd know every inch of each other. So desperately attached. And it was also the thing pushing us away from each other.

"Get out! Leave me alone! I don't love you except as a brother, Christopher!" Her words hurt me like sharp knives. She may as well have taken one of them from the silverware and stabbed me with it! Taking her in my arms, bowing my head on her shoulder, I sighed. "I'm sorry. Oh Darling, I know why you took the food. You feel you have to keep food handy—you're afraid someday we will be punished again. Don't you know I'm the only one who _will_ understand? Cathy, let me just once give you the pleasure I didn't before, just once to last us both all our lives through."

Her hand took a blow as a sear of pain hit me. Almost shocked with the person she was turning into, I blamed myself. "No! Never again!" She spat. "You promised and I thought you would keep that promise! If you have to be a doctor and go away and leave me—then it will always be no!" She stopped suddenly, her eyes showing remorse as pain inside of me hurt more than the aftershock of her harsh slap. She tried to apologise, but I backed away from her, disgusted with how cruel she could be. The things she was saying, the way my heart was breaking. And this time, without any consideration of her own hurting, I fired back. "There is no life for me if I'm not a doctor, Cathy." And it was the truth. I left it with her in her bedroom. Knowing she was standing there, frozen, heartbroken as I. She tempted me, seduced me and then humiliated me for it... so like, like—but I didn't want to think about or even say it. Or consider it. I knew Cathy was better, _she_ would be better. It was my fault. My fault I had started it all. My fault for looking at her differently years ago. But it wasn't my fault that we had been put into that situation. From now on, I'd be wiser, careful, but being in love with Cathy—you forget who you are. You act upon her own actions. She controlled me. As if we were one.


End file.
